In my previous post, I described in theory what is happening and my feelings and observations. Now it is time to get personal. We have a nominee to the highest court in the land who is facing multiple allegations of sexual assault, rape, and other crimes. Yet Republicans want to ram him through. We must punish these people who are acting with moral depravity. I would like to contrast Kavanaugh with what an innocent person looks like. What does a person who values women think, feel and do? I have a story to tell. It is unusual. I identify with the survivors of abuse at the hands of Kavanaugh and the other men with whom he associated. Injustice should hurt when you see it. Men need to consider the possibility that the victim might be telling the truth and that she might have lived with the trauma for years and the person who did this at worst doesn’t get to be a Supreme Court Judge.
A person who respects women at all would be able to see that continuing this fight just causes harm to others. The message the GOP is sending is that women do not deserve to be heard. Of course, in my story, I found the powerful parallel where it was quite obvious that an innocent person would want to have the FBI do a very thorough investigation to clear your name.
I am not like your average white man, or that is how it feels. For one thing, over the years, my closest friends were not caucasian like me. I was also extremely shy. Over 4 years in undergraduate school I worked on that. I was too shy to date. I thought I had finally accomplished overcoming one fear, that was to ask a girl out. To ask a girl to go with me, across campus to a place just off campus, for lunch. Men like me, we just don’t consider the option that what we want just can be taken. So, the first girl I asked out, was an African-American girl. We were both around 20ish. I was very nervous. I remember I forgot to bring enough money :-), lol. So, I shamefully avoiding even thinking she would go out with me again.
Fast forward to graduate school and somehow I found a way to pretend to not be so shy and I found a way to even speak in front of a group and lead group sessions. I worked in a field that involved helping people. I was drawn to helping people who had been traumatized, probably because I learned fascinating techniques that seemed to work. I started life and my early years as a very small and wimpy boy. That probably contributed to my shyness. That somewhat changed. In my capacity as a professional with credentials, I met a psychopath – a predator that preyed upon very vulnerable women. Initially, the rumors came my way as I marketed myself online. Now, I won’t name this person as he will probably make a claim of cyber-stalking or something like that. However, you can do research and find out about him, only because he made the choice to attack me, my character, and more. As a hint of what I will share, I never was physically afraid of him. No, he used women as pawns in his scheme.
When you really care about women and justice it’s possible to reach a point where the pain of injustice is overwhelming. I will not reveal any details of any woman who was hurt by him. I will never forget the event when I called him with a belief that there was some humanity in him. He had put a woman in serious danger. His response on the phone, when I asked him to help this woman who was in jeopardy he said something he would never say to my face. He confirmed the rumors of drugging and sexually assaulting women. He stated that T, the woman who was being harmed, did not respect him. Somehow I contained my rage. As I said, I wasn’t the wimpy boy any longer. I wasn’t big, at just 5’7″ and 140lbs. I had no sound recorder to take to the police. I was overcome with rage about the injustice of everything he was getting away with doing. T was so vulnerable… so unsafe. If he had been physically present, I would have done whatever it took to put the fear of God in him, to hurt him and make him leave town.
I would learn more and more about his crimes that could not be proven. He moved across state lines, living with families who could not see exactly what he was doing to their wives and daughters. About two decades later, I watched Dexter ( based on the TV show by the same name ) hurt a man who was assaulting girls by hitting them in places that are not normally visible in public. Dexter convinced that man to leave town and never come even to visit his daughter. I had reached that point in wanting to protect T. I will not reveal anything to identify the woman, I’m just using the letter T to refer to the woman I felt a need to protect at all costs from this predator. I had never been in a fight. I was just so mad about the injustice and the harm to a woman. This then leads to how I became a victim.
I underestimated the ability of a person like this, very cult-like charismatic, and his ability to persuade others to believe that he was their savior. They became pawns in his effort to make sure that I would not be taken seriously when I reached out to the authorities. This is where I see the chilling parallel between what happened when this predator and his followers, aka allies, sought to destroy any shred of credibility that I might have. Most of his victims were very vulnerable and so when things started out, I would have been a dangerous witness and I would have sought to have him brought to justice. Kavanaugh seems to be similar in that he never reflects upon the harm he is causing his survivors to experience. His GOP allies seem almost like psychopaths. The last thing predators want is for anyone to seriously look into their history. I can imagine how many women would have been protected from the predator I knew if the FBI did investigate the crimes which occurred across state lines. The GOP allies of Kavanaugh fail to even consider or entertain the question of whether or not a woman can still be traumatized by a violent sexual assault where her life is threatened.
Here is another point, I, at one point, had to navigate around a scenario where I saw that the women seeking to destroy my credibility were pawns even though they didn’t see it. So, I surrendered.